LISTENING TO CONNECT

Most people think they hear what is being said. Ha! Unless we have trained ourselves, most of us listen through filters and distort what is said through those filters. In a typical conversation most people are just waiting for the other person to stop speaking so they can say aloud what's on their mind. Let's call this bad listening.

Examples of bad listening:

Speaker: I would like to learn to be more playful with you.

Listener: Ohhh, you want to learn how to crochet.

S: Uh no, I want to learn to have more fun with you.

L: So you want to go outside and jump rope.

Imagine you are the speaker, what might you be experiencing right now?

Another example of bad listening:

Speaker: I would like to learn to be more playful with you.

Listener: If you just moved your arms around a bit, you might have success!

S: Uh, like this?

L: Not really. What were you saying?

S: I forgot. Oh yea, I would like to have more fun with you.

L: Ha, well then say something funny

Imagine you are the speaker, what might you be experiencing right now?

And a third:

Speaker: I would like to have more fun and play in our relationship.

Listener: I would love to have more fun! Let's go to a movie.

S: I'm not sure that's fun for me.

L: But it is for me. You said you want to have fun. That would be fun for me.

S: I'm talking fun together - not me doing what is fun for you!

L: Why are you getting mad? You are so touchy. You so don't get me.

Imagine you are the speaker, what might you be experiencing right now? Do you feel closer to the listener, connected? Methinks not.

It behooves us to listen from a place of openness and curiosity, appreciating the speaker for who they are and what they are wanting to share with us. I call that authentic listening.

Many people think authentic listening sounds like this:

Speaker: I would like to have more fun in my life.

Listening: I hear you would like to have more fun in your life.

S: Yes - that's what I said.

While that is a vast improvement over the three bad listening examples I gave you, it is more parroting what was said rather than listening to the essence behind the words.

Compare the parroting above to listening from curiosity below:

Speaker: I would like to have more fun in my life.

Listener: I get you want to have more fun. Tell me more. What's up? Are you working more than you like?

Imagine you are the speaker, what might you be experiencing right now? How do you feel about the listener now; about yourself?

And now add appreciation:

Speaker: I would like to have more fun in my life.

Listener: Hmmm, when you say that I can feel a heaviness and I'm wondering if you are feeling sad about the lack of fun in your life right now? Or maybe what I'm picking up is a heaviness due to how much time you've been spending at work?

How might this listening impact you differently than the examples of bad listening above?

I have found that when I listen with curiosity and appreciation I find myself discovering more about the speaker as I listen, and in doing so what emerges is a sort of communion, a oneness, an accord with the speaker. We actually connect.

I encourage you to practice listening with curiosity and appreciation . You are not solving anyone's problems, you are simply listening. Notice if your connection deepens when you listen this way.

Open ended discovery is possible when someone authentically listens. There is no limit to what can be discovered as the speaker when we are genuinely received. When we are authentically listened to we may discover something that we couldn't uncover otherwise.

Is there someone you would like to grow in closeness? I encourage you to create an intention to listen authentically. Even if you don't do it perfectly, which in truth there is no such thing as perfect, you will indeed create a positive result.

QUOTES

"There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread." 
   ~ Mother Teresa ~

"Giving appreciation is like a small ceremony of love."
    ~ Gay Hendricks ~

PRACTICALLY SPEAKING

• Commit to listening to connect
• Pay attention to the feedback you are getting
• If the speaker is repeating him/herself it's a clue you are not attending to them, but are lost in your own thoughts/agendas
• If there is more color in their face, or they take a deeper breath, that is information that you are on course
• You will be able to tangibly and measurably see if your listening is being received
• Look to see if your listening is being received

WONDER QUESTIONS:

• Are you willing to listen to connect?

QUICK LINKS:

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Copyright 2007 by Leslie Karen Sann, Living by Design
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leslie@living-bydesign.com

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Copyright 2007 by Leslie Karen Sann,
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