THE GIFT OF TRUTH

When I send my welcome intake to new coaching clients I ask them what is draining their energy. It is useful to look at what is pulling on us so that we can free up that energy. Once the energy is freed we can invest it in what it is we want to create.

There are many things that pull on our energy. Emotional upset, incomplete projects, insufficient self-care, and more. The one I want to address here is secrets.

Secrets, withholds, omissions in communication.

Imagine being a kid in a swimming pool, and you have possession of a beach ball. You don't want your friends to know you have the ball, so you are hiding it under water.

You have to pay a lot of attention to keeping the ball hidden.

In the meantime, the ball wants to pop out and be seen.

You don't want that.

You try and sit on it.

It wiggles. You stand on it, it begins to pop.

You grab it and push it down again.

Meanwhile, your friends are playing and you are not.

You are worried about your beach ball being seen.

You are spending a lot of energy hiding your secret, I mean beach ball.

Two things are happening. 1) You cannot engage honestly with the people in your life, as you are distracted and protective. 2) The beach ball is getting a lot of attention - and is taking a lot of your attention and energy.

Most people don't realize the consequence of withholding on relationships, so when things aren't going well in their relationships, they often look to the other person to see what is wrong. What's wrong is you are limiting your engagement with this person, and with life in general, because you're sitting on a beach ball.

When we withhold from anyone, we create separation. We close ourselves, keeping part of our truth hidden.

A definition of secret is "not known or seen." This may not matter much to you in some relationships, but with those people you care about, it becomes very difficult, well really impossible, to nurture intimacy.

Possible resolution. Let the beach ball up and see what happens. Tell the truth.

The ball is in the pool anyway - whether or not it is visible. You might as well let it up and join in the play.

QUOTES

"When somebody lies, somebody loses." 
  ~ Stephanie Ericsson ~

"Always tell the truth--then you won't ever have to remember what you said the last time." 
  ~ Sam Rayburn ~

"Integrity is that congruence between our inner and outer worlds." 
  ~ Dr. Kenneth C. Ruge ~

PRACTICALLY SPEAKING

Most people have lots of reasons why they choose to keep secrets. The bottom line is that they don't want to face the consequences that come with telling the truth. Here is a list of 36 reasons people lie (withhold) in close relationships.

1. I don't want to hurt your feelings. 
2. This is not important. 
3. You won't be able to handle it. 
4. This is not the right time. 
5. I'll tell you when I figure it out. 
6. I feel dumb (foolish) (embarrassed) telling you. 
7. I should be able to handle this myself. 
8. You must be tired of hearing the same thing. 
9. You don't share ...so I won't. 
10. This is not worth arguing about. 
11. I'll do it later. 
12. If I tell you, it will create a whole new problem. 
13. I'm afraid you will get mad (sad) (afraid). 
14. Right now you are in a bad mood, (tired) etc. 
15. You're in a good mood and I don't want to bring you down. 
16. Now is not convenient. 
17. I shouldn't dwell on the negative. 
18. I'm afraid of what you might say. 
19. I don't want to face the truth. 
20. I'll tell you when we are alone. 
21. I'm figuring out how to word it so I don't push your buttons. 
22. You won't like me when you hear it. 
23. Nothing can be done about it. It's just the way I am. 
24. I'm hoping it will go away by itself. 
25. I'll lose something if I tell you. 
26. I'm defective, it's just another weird thing about me. 
27. I've got too much to do. 
28. I missed the right time to tell you. 
29. I feel exposed and vulnerable. 
30. It has to be perfect! 
31. I'll get yelled at. 
32. If I hold out long enough, it won't matter. 
33. I feel guilty about it. 
34. Everything will unravel if I tell you about this. 
35. I don't have the energy to deal with this. 
36. You'll reject me or leave me if I tell you.

                    compiled by Gay and Katie Hendricks

The fact is, there are most often, probably 99.99% of the time, only positive consequences for being honest. There may be a short term flurry of upset energy, but in the long run what you invite is a more stable, higher functioning relationship that is nurtured by trust.

And you get to live in your personal integrity.

Ask yourself, "Is there anything significant about me or my relationship that I have shared with a third party, but I haven't addressed directly with the person? If so, then you may have a withhold that is draining your energy and undermining the health of your relationship. Consider this an opportunity to reveal the truth.

WONDER QUESTION:

Are you willing to be a person who tells the truth?

Do you value intimacy in your close relationships enough to learn how to reveal rather than conceal?

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Copyright 2007 by Leslie Karen Sann, Living by Design
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leslie@living-bydesign.com

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