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RESCUING
THE RESCUER
Do you have a pattern of being caught up in other
people's issues, stories, problems, thinking you need to help them solve
whatever is going on for them? Would you like to be able to give to
another without going into rescue mode, how to listen without being caught
up in their drama, or creating your own?
There is a simple skill many of us could utilize to
alleviate a lot of the relationship stress we experience. That is to make
sure you get the other person's willingness established before you offer
any input.
What might that look like? Well you could say:
"Would you like some assistance with that?" or "Would you
like some insight based on my experience?" or, "I have some info
about that, would you like me to share it with you?"
If the person says yes, and we're looking for a
clear yes, then you are no longer in the role of the rescuer. They have
consciously volunteered to at least listen to the info you are going to
provide.
This simple technique also keeps you from any
unconscious pattern of offering your insight to whoever you think needs
it, as a way to take care of your need to feel significant, or have value
in the world. But of course we're not talking about you - just your mother
and best friend - right?
If they say yes, go ahead, offer what you have to
offer. You are now peer addressing peer, rather than rescuer saving
victim.
You may be surprised that you don't get a clear yes,
that the person was really looking for an audience and they really don't
want to solve their problem.
When someone is not interested in addressing their
issues, they may change the subject, they may escalate the drama of the
story. You'll notice they will do something other than give you a clear
yes. It doesn't matter what they do other than give a clear yes, all you
need to know is that you didn't get a clear yes and so you can leave it
alone.
If they say yes, remember, what they do with the
info or insight you offer is none of your business. Your offering is all
that is required.
Remember: Help that isn't asked for, doesn't work.
QUOTES
"Treat people as if they were what they
ought to be and you will help them become what they are capable of
becoming."
~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe ~
"If I really want to improve my situation, I
can work on the one thing over which I have control - myself. I can stop
trying to shape up my wife and work on my own weaknesses. I can focus on
being a great marriage partner, a source
of unconditional love and support."
~ Steve Covey ~
REQUEST
I am writing a book on forgiveness. If you would
like to contribute you can do one or both of two things:
- ask me any questions you might have about
forgiveness, what is it, how to do it, why do it.....
- send me any story you may have about how
forgiveness, forgiving yourself or another has changed your life, even
in small ways.
Once I have received your questions or story I will
send you a link - and you can hear the audio of the interview I did on the
topic of forgiveness. The interview is part of a bonus offering to a
wonderful book "How To
Heal Your Broken Heart After a Relationship Break Up or Divorce"
PRACTICALLY SPEAKING:
- Are you a certifiable Hero? Do you love to Help
Others?
- If so - stop - and ask yourself what is my hidden
agenda in being the Hero/Helper/Rescuer? Am I trying to prove my worth
by being Useful to Others?
- Do you find your relationships to be a satisfying
mutual exchange of giving and receiving? If not, look at your patterns
of helping and see if you are committed to giving and not very open to
receiving.
- Do any of these variations of the Hero fit you?
The Caretaker, The Rescuer, The Know It All, The Master Fixer? The
Super Competent?
- Ask yourself : How did I contribute to setting up
the relationship dynamics? Could I let go of wanting to change, fix,
help the other person or the relationship?
- Also ask yourself - What do I REALLY want, and am
I willing to change my behavior so that I can have it?
WONDER QUESTIONS:
- If I created this situation, what did I do to
create it?
- What advantage is it to me to maintain the status
quo in this relationship?
- Could I let go of my need to be the Hero?
- What do I want for me?
- What am I willing to do to get it?
- What am I willing to no longer do to get it?
QUICK LINKS:
COPYRIGHT/CONTACT INFO/REPRINT PERMISSION
Copyright 2006 by Leslie Karen Sann, Living by Design
Visit this link for contact information:
leslie@living-bydesign.com
Reprint permission granted in part or whole when the following credit appears in full:
Copyright 2006 by Leslie Karen Sann,
Living by Design.All rights reserved.
Web site. http://www.living-bydesign.com
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