LIVING BY DESIGN NEWSLETTER
by Leslie Karen Sann, MA, LCPC
V4, #11
July 7,  2004

IN THIS ISSUE

Turning Complaints to Action to Results 

Quotes

Practically Speaking

Wonder Questions

TURNING COMPLAINTS TO ACTION TO RESULTS
Powerful People Make Things Easy (Part 9)

(This article is a continuation of a series about our personal power to create the life we want)

Let’s say I habitually complain about the inability to find important papers in my office. What would you say I’m committed to? Some might say complaining since my office is still messy. Others might say an unorganized office. Both would be right because those are the results I am producing. I have a disorganized office and am complaining about it. How useful is that?

Very useful if we learn to listen to our complaints and let them inform our actions.

Keeping with the office example - I would listen to the complaint - messy office - and ask what do I really want? What I really want is to streamline my systems and create an order so that I can easily find what I am looking for.

Now I can channel the energy I was using to complain into creating what I really want.

First I evaluate how I have set it up for my office to be messy. What am I doing to promote, allow, or create that which I am complaining about. In looking carefully I will discover ways to take different actions, actions that will support me in having what I really want - an ordered office environment.

This works with relationships as well. A client complains, “My spouse doesn’t listen to me - he really doesn’t take the time to understand what I am saying.” We explore her complaint. How is being misunderstood familiar? Might she be committed to not being understood and complaining about it? Based on results, it is useful to explore this.

Then I ask, “How are you setting it up so that your spouse behaves in ways you don’t like?”

This is a powerful question. When we look at the office example - it’s easy to take responsibility for the mess that was created. My office, my mess. When we involve another person, it’s a bit more challenging. It’s tempting to hold the other person responsible for our complaint. Example: He doesn’t listen!

But my client is a trooper and she wonders and discovers that she often doesn’t context her conversations, and she also doesn’t set the mood for her husband to be responsive to her. We explore this further letting what she has been doing in her relating that hasn’t worked inform alternative actions.

During our next session she shares a win. She and her husband had a great weekend. She slowed herself down and made sure she was in rapport with him and then asked if they could hang out and talk. They had the best conversation they have had in a long while. She was glowing.

When you find yourself complaining ask yourself “What do I really want?” Then take some time to look at how you set it up to have what you are complaining about. As you do so notice where you can put in some corrections that will create the experience you prefer. It’s that easy to turn complaints into action into results.

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QUOTES:

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” 
   ~ Stokely Carmichael ~

“If I really want to improve my situation, I can work on the one thing over which I have control - myself." 
   ~ Steve Covey ~

There's no way we can blame other people for our own well-being. You're in your body and I'm in mine and we're responsible for them. If you don't exercise those responsibilities, there's no need to blame somebody else for what's going on. 
   ~ John-Roger ~

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PRACTICALLY SPEAKING:

• Begin to become sensitively aware of your internal self-talk.
• Notice when you are in ‘complaint mode’.
• Realize you are complaining about something, then something else is missing? Ask yourself - what’s missing - what do I really want?
• Challenge yourself to discover ways to create what you want.
• Also pay attention to the complaints you verbalize.
• Ask yourself, “How am I setting it up so that I am having an experience I tell myself I don’t want?”
• When you discover your part in it - put in a correction!

WONDER QUESTIONS:

• What do my complaints reveal about what I really want?
• How could I channel the energy of my complaining into creating what I want?
• Am I willing to take responsibility for manifesting what I truly desire?

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COPYRIGHT/CONTACT INFO/REPRINT PERMISSION

c Copyright 2004 by Leslie Karen Sann, Living by Design
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leslie@living-bydesign.com

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Copyright 2004 by Leslie Karen Sann,
Living by Design.All rights reserved. 
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