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LIVING BY DESIGN NEWSLETTER
by Leslie Karen Sann, MA, LCPC
V2, #5
May 15, 2002
IN THIS ISSUE
Should I or Could I?
Quotes
Practically Speaking
Wonder Questions
Workshop
Update
SHOULD
I OR COULD I?
Do you 'should' on yourself? Do you 'should' on
others?
Of course you do. You're human. That's what humans
do. We 'should' on ourselves and we 'should' on each other.
But what is a 'should'? According to Webster it's an
"obligation, duty, expectation". When we look closely we see 'shoulds'
are directives, externally sourced, that we have incorporated into our
consciousness and now use as rules of behavior and attitude that we impose
upon ourselves and on others.
Yet in truth, there is no such thing as a' should'.
It is merely a thought that's become a belief, imposed on reality.
'Shoulds' are not sourced from who we really are,
from our heart, from our essence. 'Shoulds' are sourced externally. And 'shoulds'
limit us because they argue with what is and confine us to being false and
ingenuine. They stop us from being a creative force in our life, because
they insist we follow 'the rules'.
When we turn a 'should' into a 'could', our world
shifts. In that moment, we take our power back and our lives are now
sourced from our own values and standards. 'Could' is also just a thought,
yet, rather than confining us, it opens us to wonder. When we shift from
'should' to 'could', positive change can take place with ease.
Right now, 'should' on yourself, "I should
_____ ." Fill in the blank. "I should call my mother, I should
take the dog for a long walk, I should do that filing in my office."
Now substitute 'could' for 'should'. "I could call my mother, I could
take the dog for a long walk, etc." Notice how that feels inside.
It's different. Do you have a greater sense of power and personal
authority?
For me 'could' opens me up and quiets me down. And
instead of feeling imposed upon from without, I feel connected to myself
as source
Yes, I could, and I could take other actions as
well. 'Could' opens me up to an awareness of possibilities. I can now ask
myself, what outcome am I looking for, and which actions will serve me
based on what I want?
'Shoulding' is a way NOT to take responsibility,
because it sets us up to be a good girl/boy (or not) and when things don't
work out, we get to blame the result, our own unhappiness, on the rules we
were obeying. It sets us up for dissatisfaction because even if we produce
the results we want, we cannot own that we are the source of the
creativity, because we were only following the rules, doing what was
expected.
When I take responsibility for my actions by 'coulding',
I empower myself and my choices and I can own the results I produce. I
created this because I made the choice rather than obediently following
some imposed or assumed doctrine.
You may be wondering if 'shoulding' is ever
appropriate? Sure it is...when you say to yourself, "I 'should' use
'could' more often! Then do it!
All the best,
Leslie
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QUOTES:
"No right, no wrong, no rules, no
judgments."
~ John-Roger ~
"There is no what should be.
There is only what is,
just the way it is, right now."
~ Byron Katie ~
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PRACTICALLY SPEAKING:
- start noticing how you subtly 'should' on
yourself and on others.
- begin to substitute the word 'should' with
'could'.
- breath into the space created when you begin to
give yourself a choice
- notice how it feels to take your power back by 'coulding'
instead of 'shoulding'.
- begin making choices using the criteria of your
goals and desires rather than other peoples (or your own) expectations
of you.
- observe the results you produce.
- notice you COULD choose again.
- enjoy the process of living your life with You as
your guiding Light
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WONDER QUESTIONS:
- What do I expect 'should' take place?
- What do I think this 'should' look like, rather
than it is?
- Am I trying to control or manipulate someone (or
myself) by 'shoulding' on them?
- Am I denying or avoiding something by distracting
myself with 'shoulds'?
- What would happen if I replaced the word 'should'
with 'could'?
- How would that substitution, alter my life?
- Am I willing to be the predominant creative force
in my life?
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"THE
PROCESS TO PEACE"
WORKSHOP UPDATE
The workshop was a great success. Transitions
Bookplace was a wonderful host. I also met in person a few of my clients
who I have been working with on the phone. That was a treat for me!
To support the intention of the workshop, we were
sponsoring the newly released book, "Loving Each Day for
Peacemakers" by John-Roger and sold all but two copies!
Join me when I do the workshop again, probably this
fall. Stay tuned.
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COACHING
CORNER
Got Questions? Get Your Answers Here.
I am open to you for questions on how to use the
tools shared in these newsletters. Submit your questions to: leslie@living-bydesign.com
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WRITE TO ME!
I am interested in your successes! Write to me and share wins you have experienced
using any of the techniques I have shared.
Perhaps you have a story about how gratitude transformed a challenge into a blessing, or
how the simple act of acceptance has brought peace more present in your life.
Tell me which strategies have worked and what occurred. Send your story or any
questions you may have to me at:
leslie@living-bydesign.com
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COPYRIGHT/CONTACT INFO/REPRINT PERMISSION
c Copyright 2002 by Leslie Karen Sann, Living by Design
Visit this link for contact information:
leslie@living-bydesign.com
Reprint permission granted in part or whole when the following credit appears in full:
Copyright 2002 by Leslie Karen Sann,
Living by Design.All rights reserved.
Web site. http://www.living-bydesign.com
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